Self Love

So I’m talking to this guy. Adult talking, hint hint. It’s really low key and low expectations. We hang out when we can and no one is guilting the other when we can’t. I think he’s amazing in some areas, while he needs some work in other areas. My bestfriend calls him the Trainee (with good reason).

So anyway, in this situationship (because this is a no cuffing zone), I find myself at times content. But then the Trainee just does something that just really turns me off. Usually it’s about fitness; anyone who really knows me, knows that I’ve been struggling with accepting and loving this post-accident body. It has its ups and downs, but I’ve generally learned to be ok with me and loving all of my flaws. I’m also just happy to be alive sometimes.

This is where the problem with Trainee comes in. He’s on his fitness game strong. Like STRONG. He works out everyday, pretty much only drinks water and he probably is financing a small farm with his salad eating alone. And it’s paying off…for the last few months that we’ve been hanging out, I see the weight coming off. I’m not necessarily thrilled about it (I like squishy guys) but I’m happy for him; he’s putting in work and it’s paying off. I guess maybe that’s why he does what he does to me.

The Trainee likes to point out how chubby I am. Almost every single time we are together, he makes a comment about it. And it’s never really mean; usually it’s stuff like “you could change that easily” or “Shawty you have the perfect shape; you’re already cute, but you could be BAD!”. Mostly I shake it off, he’s still hanging with me and trying to get in my pants, so my size isn’t really a big deal. Right? Recently, though, he said something that really gave me pause.

“I found you on Facebook and now I remember you from high school,” he said. The Trainee is a few years older than me, but we did walk the same halls in high school very briefly. I thought that the comment would stop there, but he went on to say: “You were smaller in high school, like you were bad; I remember plotting to talk to you. You could get back to that, easy.”

That really bothered me. I struggle with who I am now post accident and I’m finally getting to a place where I’m okay with me now and letting go of past versions that are now unobtainable for me. I don’t know how to tell him that his comments (albeit well-meaning) are hurtful to me. He doesn’t really understand all the stuff I’ve been through post accident because I don’t like to talk about it; and, we aren’t on that type of level for me to be all open and vulnerable with him like that. (Truthfully, I don’t know if I ever want to be that intimate with anyone again; I was like that with my ex and it almost tore me apart.) How do I get him to understand that I’m working on being okay with me and having him point out something that I’m insecure about is harmful, regardless of how much he doesn’t mean it to be? Should I just leave him alone altogether? I’ve been going back and forth about it in my head for days and I’m at a roadblock. Help!

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