I think for the first date, I should take you to my mama’s house
Test your resilience
See how you react when you hear gunshots or screaming kids
How you handle a growling dog because you smell like unfamiliar male
Or maybe, the first date should happen at my hair stylist’s place
So you can hear our well informed opinions on the opposite (and not so opposite sex)
So you can see why it takes us so long to reach that perfection you love so much
So you can pay the bill and see why “Don’t mess up my hair” is a thing
No, no…on the first date we should get stranded
Maybe stranded and lost
So I can see how you handle stress
How you deal with an improbable yet totally possible stumble block
So I can learn how you handle your temper after I tell you for the 56th that we should’ve made that right turn 5 miles back
No dinner and a movie for me
If I wanted fake, I would be dating Ken—or Barbie.
Come on, tinder date, let me see the real you.